Have you ever found yourself spiralling in sadness or anger and thought, “I don’t know how to help myself through this”?
Learning to self-soothe has been one of the most tender and transformative parts of my healing journey. For me, it’s about mothering myself—becoming my own source of comfort when I’m struggling with fear, anger, or sorrow.
The greatest challenge in self-soothing is maintaining a connection to the part of us that can see what’s happening, without getting lost in it. When you’re curled in a ball of sorrow or raging in anger, it can easily take over your entire state. In that moment, ‘who’ within you is available to do the soothing?
It makes sense that it’s challenging to access our mature adult self when we’re overcome by intense emotions. It’s even harder when we have very good reasons to be upset. If you’ve been wronged or hurt, it’s normal for those thoughts to take up all of your mental real estate and the related emotions to cause a storm in your body-mind.
We need to find that delicate balance—giving our emotions space to move naturally, while also knowing how to regulate them and shorten the refractory period of emotional upset.
If we don’t allow ourselves to feel our full range of emotions, they can become suppressed and held in our tissues, which can cause pain and dysfunction. On the other hand, letting those negative thoughts and destructive emotions circulate for too long creates stress that can dysregulate the nervous, immune, and endocrine systems and cause disease.
There’s no exact recipe for how long it’s ideal to be sad, scared, or angry. Finding the right balance in each circumstance is a personal process. What’s important is having the tools to regulate and soothe yourself so that you can return to calm and balance.
The question of what tools to develop and use is the basis of many different systems of psychology, psychotherapy, meditation, and personal growth. I can’t give you the ‘right’ answer, but I’m sharing the nuances of what I’ve learned in the past 25 years of daily meditation, a lot of personal therapy, mentorship with healers, and studying and practicing homeopathy and somatic therapy.
I’ll mix the theory with the subtleties of how I navigate through my difficult moments, and teach others to trust that they can ride their big inner waves.
Self-Soothing Step #1 - Allowing What Is
When I’m triggered or upset, my first step is accepting that I’m sad - and to allow myself to feel the sadness, as the whole of me, Alyssa, a complete human being grounded in the simple truth: I’m so sad.
During this step, I’m not trying to change anything. I’m not looking for a way to be less sad; I’m allowing the tears and just being sad. I’m not analyzing my past, dividing myself into my parts, or trying to overcome how I feel.
I might comfort myself as I feel the sadness—maybe by wrapping up in a cozy blanket, playing soothing music, or cancelling plans to leave more room to be quiet with myself.
Emotions are energy in motion, and sometimes, simply allowing the feeling to be expressed is enough, and the emotional wave will settle.
When the emotion persists, I move to step two.
Self-Soothing Step #2 - Who is Upset?
If I’ve taken time to fully feel my emotion and it still persists, I move into gentle inner inquiry.
Before inquiring, I take a few moments to relax, center myself, and connect with something greater than me—a force or presence that helps me feel grounded and supported. Then I ask myself, “Who within me is this upset?”
I’m looking for a younger part of myself who’s been triggered by the current circumstances and is reacting with the additional weight of her past wounding.
Most of the intense reactions we have as adults are compounded by our unresolved childhood wounds. In our healthiest adult selves, we can be resourceful, reasonable, and trusting. Even when faced with challenges or disappointments, our adult selves can trust that there will be a resolution, even if it hasn’t presented yet.
But our child-self doesn’t always have that capacity. The child within us can feel destabilized by uncertainty, scarcity, or relational tension. Often, without realizing it, life stirs up old feelings of unworthiness or being unlovable, based on our needs not being seen or met.
Unconsciously, we’re responding to present-day circumstances through the distortion of our past hurts.
So I ask again, Who is upset?
If I sense a younger part of me, my next step is to connect with her by finding language that resonates with her, so she feels seen and heard. Only then can I soothe her.
When I meet my child-self with the care she didn’t receive in the past, something shifts. Then, almost miraculously, my present-day emotions settle. It never ceases to amaze me how our child selves remain stuck in their past experiences, waiting to be supported in a new way.
When my child-self is soothed, I don’t take other people’s behaviour personally. Self-soothing helps me see that the other person is acting from their story, and it’s not about me.
Impact on Healing
When I sit with people through intense emotions or complex dis-ease, we always find old wounds underneath that need attention and care. The resolution to what ails or challenges someone is rarely only about the present-day symptoms or story.
This deeper layer often surprises people. It’s not always what they expected to find—but it’s what actually brings change.
If the idea of connecting with your inner child feels far off or strange, that’s okay. It takes time and practice to learn how to listen inwardly in this way.
Over the years, I’ve helped many people begin to feel this connection. And I’ve come to believe that everyone can learn, with the right attitude and a willingness to stay with the process.
Invitation - Journaling
If you’re ready to start practicing, I suggest beginning by journaling about your response to this article.
What resonates with you? Where do you feel unclear or have doubts?
Even if it seems farfetched to you, try opening your mind to the possibility that some of your current upsets are shaped by your past hurt.
Be mindful not to get stuck in the story of how you got here or what happened. That approach has its place, but it’s not what I’m inviting you into now.
Instead, imagine soothing your younger self, not mentally through analyzing the past, but by sensing what’s present in your body right now.
Invitation - Inner Sensing
Now, try exploring your challenges through your felt sense.
Even if you’re new to meditation, take 10 minutes to sit with yourself, breathe deeply, and relax. Once your body-mind is more relaxed, begin to observe your inner experience.
Feel for tension. Often, the part of the body that feels most closed or tight is connected to the wounded part. Stay present with the sensation. Breathe with it.
Notice what emerges. Feel and listen for any images, memories, or new sensations that arise.
Explore with curiosity, as though you might experience something telling, but without any expectations.
And if you feel a younger part of yourself, meet them with loving care and presence. Watch how they respond to you and feel for what’s needed.
If you can’t feel anything right now, that’s okay. Just keep showing up regularly with patience and an open heart.
With faith in your wholeness,
Alyssa
Thank you, Alyssa
Great article. Thank you. I’ll give this a go